codicia

ya no creo en el peso de mis palabras
ni en el valor de mi voz.

esto es lo que dejaste.

los escombros de una persona que solía creer

que sus palabras tenían peso, 

que su lealtad era real. 

los restos de alguien que se enorgullecía

en el valor y calidad de sus vínculos. 

es como si hubiese engañado al destino, 

quien terminó jugándome una mala pasada, 

haciéndome creer que merecía mas de lo que tenía. 

"if you spend your time chasing butterflies, they'll fly away...
but if you spend your time building a beautiful garden, the butterflies will come."

30 going on 50

i know how your skin rips open

as you fill your mouth while self-medicating.

i'm emotionally overdrawn

and i don't know how to not be like this, 

and i can't end things either. 

i'm stuck, again and again. 

living a life i don't want for myself, 

but filial duties keep me chained. 

the only death i wish upon

is on this version of myself. 

you'll never know

i'm standing here all wounded but open,
open to whatever you want from me. 
they said beggars can't be choosers and I'm starving for love.

i think i've always had some sort of deficiency,
loneliness doesn't scare me, you do.
i can't love myself so i need someone else to do it for me.

i'd drop dead like a fly if i couldn't drown in you, 
but the drought has been long and tiresome,
i think i might be destined to suffer withdrawal for the rest of my life. 

so kiss me, 
kiss me and claim your land. 
it might not be fruitful, but won't you try? 
maybe there is something good buried deep within me, 
or maybe it's fool's gold.

now, you mean nothing

we suddenly crossed paths the other day 

and i just felt nostalgic
for all the things we lived, 
the good moments we spent together. 

i wanted to be angry, pissed, dismissive
my immediate reaction was warmer than (i think we both) expected.
i wanted to hold onto my immature impulses, my hurt feelings,
but that was the only thing left from us, 

nothingness.

once (we meant something to each other)

i've been thinking lately about all the life i've lived

after we fell apart, 

all the things i never got to share with you

about how my life has changed, 

we were kids back then.

what a silly thought. 

i don't miss you, 

but i wonder about you. 

i don't mean to sound petty, but.. are you happy?

i always wished for your happiness. 

you always gave me a warm heart to melt into. 

the time we've been apart it's almost twice as the time we were together, isn't it crazy?

to think that we are different people than the ones that fell in love with each other. 

what would've been of us if we were still together?

i would never have the guts ask you this, 

do you still think of me? is it with warmth or nostalgia?

i hope when think of me, a smile creeps out of your lips. 

intrusive thoughts

is the coolness for me, 
after you take my shirt off
before my skin feels the warmth of yours,
that makes my heart stop. 

in desperation.

is the longing for me, 
for you hands to grip my waist
and direct me towards your bed. 
and the then belt falls off
and i feel the weight of your body against mine
the smell of your skin melted into droplets of sweat.

i want time to turn
into an endless night, a light snoring
and your chest moving under my cheek,
spent and drowsy.

30.

this birthday is going to hurt
worse than any others,
this birthday will be a rebirth, 
and there is always pain whilst welcoming a new life into the world.

you won't care

you won't show up.

you never showed up,

hid behind a screen while convincing yourself that doing the bare minimum 

was enough. 

I'm worth more than your best efforts. 

wish you well

what a selfish thing.. to fall out of love alone. 

last night was the last nail in the coffin

you were free and I was mourning,

I'm done suffering on my own. 

let's be strangers again. 

today i woke up missing us

i'm afraid of when i'll look at you straight in the face

I'll realize that this can't be fixed. 

i think that even if I don't look at you

I'm already aware of our fate.

came clean but never said sorry

do you read this together and laugh?

talk shit behind my back like I do about you?

or do you not care at all? 

kept selfishly living your life, like I pretended to do.

I've come to realize grief is not linear

and that's the scariest part,

that today I might find myself genuinely laughing,

but then a wave of sadness fills me the next day.

this is why I needed to step away

I didn't want to trick you into thinking everything was fine

and then stab you in the back with my words. 

like I know how to do too well.

i wanted to hurt you with my absence

but also protect you from me. 

the olive branch that I untimely extended, 

it dried out because I could never say the words

I'm sorry, 

I love you, 

I forgive you. 

non believer

I pray for the day that being myself

Doesnt bring me pain. 

and you'll feel it all your life

I won't spare you a single comma

Because you are not a player in this game.

No Peter Pan with savior complex.

Not even barely enough.

celestial death

And we will grow

Farther and farther away 

Until we are nothing but another star

In each other's galaxy.

Having already been an entire world.

Lowest rated show.

If there is no audience,

Does the actor deserve to live?

Who am I performing for? 

I scream into the mirror,

Cry like a lunatic while I watch the tears drip down.

The one-woman show without spectators.

as the days goes by
i become more and more at peace with my choices. 
to rebuild one must
burn everything to the ground.

 what if my love for you falters, 
then I really won't have anything left.