induced coma (we both know how it ends)

one day, 

i won't write about you. 

you'll be offically dead. 

'till i'm strong enough to pull the plug, i'll hold on. 

and then, i'll sign the waiver and doll myself up for our funeral. 

your bday reminder popped up

isn't it crazy that we missed spending together our 29th and 30th year?

your pride and mine won't let us spend the rest of them together either. 

the other day i saw a movie, it was about not wasting time with seemingly trivial things, trivial fights. 

but my pain was real, i guess your feelings were too. 

i wish you (and i) could've been a better person.

my therapist told me your mom asked about me the other day, 

she wondered how i was doing... i miss her. 

she said we had drifted apart from eachother. 

does she know something i dont?

her tone wasn't final

but it often feels like it is.

i have so much to tell you. 

would you like to listen?

would i be able to listen to you? 

i wonder (more often that i'd like to admit) how to put an end to this.

a year ago i sent a postcard to you, did you know?

i was nervous for weeks,

apparently it never arrived. 

i cowardly took it as a signal.

last january i was at the end of the world (literally),

and thought about sending you another one (apparently it's a thing i do only in january),

i didn't (too much time has passed).

i guess i'm also afraid of what you could say,

some truths you never said because you loved me.

while you were growing tired of my endless bullshit. 

fair. 

why didn't you come find me?

although i'm not sure i would've open the door,

it would've amounted to something, right?

but you didn't fight. you didn't fight for us, and that's on you.

 

again, was it pride? or did you just wanted to use this as an excuse?

if so, well played. lol.

"My forgiveness is no good to you, nor yours to me; whether you forgive me or not, you will always be a sore place in my heart, and I in yours--so it must be."

cease and desist

i don't know what version of myself to be anymore, which one of them is real? 

i keep trying on different personalities, hoping one feels right again,

which one of them will give me peace of mind?

my therapist keeps telling me that I deserve good things, but i'm not so sure. 

i lean towards thinking i'm evil, 

something within me must be unbearably wrong

because i can't wrap my mind around believing i'm a good person.

i don't know how to be anymore

i traveled alone for the first time in my life and can't believe how resilient I am.

i couldn't believe I could ever be this version of myself, the one who accepts new challenges, believes in herself, and isn't afraid of the unknown. i was always so scared, guarded, and weary of what others might think (i guess I'm still her, but i know now that it might not always be like that).

i experienced incredible surges of happiness that I hope will help me push through when the darkness comes. I'm so proud but mostly thankful.. thankful that i allowed myself this.