induced coma (we both know how it ends)

one day, 

i won't write about you. 

you'll be offically dead. 

'till i'm strong enough to pull the plug, i'll hold on. 

and then, i'll sign the waiver and doll myself up for our funeral. 

your bday reminder popped up

isn't it crazy that we missed spending our 29th and 30th year together?

your pride and mine won't let us spend the rest of them together either. 

the other day i saw a movie, it was about not wasting time with seemingly trivial things, trivial fights. 

but my pain was real, i guess your feelings were too. 

i wish you (and i) could've been a better person.

my therapist told me your mom asked about me the other day, 

she wondered how i was doing... i miss her. 

she said we had drifted apart from eachother. 

does she know something i dont?

her tone wasn't final

but it often feels like it is.

i have so much to tell you. 

would you like to listen?

would i be able to listen to you? 

i wonder (more often that i'd like to admit) how to put an end to this.

a year ago i sent a postcard to you, did you know?

i was nervous for weeks,

apparently it never arrived. 

i cowardly took it as a signal.

last january i was at the end of the world (literally),

and thought about sending you another one (apparently it's a thing i do only in january),

i didn't (too much time has passed).

i guess i'm also afraid of what you could say,

some truths you never said because you loved me.

while you were growing tired of my endless bullshit. 

fair. 

why didn't you come find me?

although i'm not sure i would've open the door,

it would've amounted to something, right?

but you didn't fight. you didn't fight for us, and that's on you.

 

again, was it pride? or did you just wanted to use this as an excuse?

if so, well played. lol.

"My forgiveness is no good to you, nor yours to me; whether you forgive me or not, you will always be a sore place in my heart, and I in yours--so it must be."

cease and desist

i don't know what version of myself to be anymore, which one of them is real? 

i keep trying on different personalities, hoping one feels right again,

which one of them will give me peace of mind?

my therapist keeps telling me that I deserve good things, but i'm not so sure. 

i lean towards thinking i'm evil, 

something within me must be unbearably wrong

because i can't wrap my mind around believing i'm a good person.

i don't know how to be anymore

i traveled alone for the first time in my life and can't believe how resilient I am.

i couldn't believe I could ever be this version of myself, the one who accepts new challenges, believes in herself, and isn't afraid of the unknown. i was always so scared, guarded, and weary of what others might think (i guess I'm still her, but i know now that it might not always be like that).

i experienced incredible surges of happiness that I hope will help me push through when the darkness comes. I'm so proud but mostly thankful.. thankful that i allowed myself this. 

codicia

ya no creo en el peso de mis palabras
ni en el valor de mi voz.

esto es lo que dejaste.

los escombros de una persona que solía creer

que sus palabras tenían peso, 

que su lealtad era real. 

los restos de alguien que se enorgullecía

en el valor y calidad de sus vínculos. 

es como si hubiese engañado al destino, 

quien terminó jugándome una mala pasada, 

haciéndome creer que merecía mas de lo que tenía. 

"if you spend your time chasing butterflies, they'll fly away...
but if you spend your time building a beautiful garden, the butterflies will come."

30 going on 50

i know how your skin rips open

as you fill your mouth while self-medicating.

i'm emotionally overdrawn

and i don't know how to not be like this, 

and i can't end things either. 

i'm stuck, again and again. 

living a life i don't want for myself, 

but filial duties keep me chained. 

the only death i wish upon

is on this version of myself. 

you'll never know

i'm standing here all wounded but open,
open to whatever you want from me. 
they said beggars can't be choosers and I'm starving for love.

i think i've always had some sort of deficiency,
loneliness doesn't scare me, you do.
i can't love myself so i need someone else to do it for me.

i'd drop dead like a fly if i couldn't drown in you, 
but the drought has been long and tiresome,
i think i might be destined to suffer withdrawal for the rest of my life. 

so kiss me, 
kiss me and claim your land. 
it might not be fruitful, but won't you try? 
maybe there is something good buried deep within me, 
or maybe it's fool's gold.

now, you mean nothing

we suddenly crossed paths the other day 

and i just felt nostalgic
for all the things we lived, 
the good moments we spent together. 

i wanted to be angry, pissed, dismissive
my immediate reaction was warmer than (i think we both) expected.
i wanted to hold onto my immature impulses, my hurt feelings,
but that was the only thing left from us, 

nothingness.

once (we meant something to each other)

i've been thinking lately about all the life i've lived

after we fell apart, 

all the things i never got to share with you

about how my life has changed, 

we were kids back then.

what a silly thought. 

i don't miss you, 

but i wonder about you. 

i don't mean to sound petty, but.. are you happy?

i always wished for your happiness. 

you always gave me a warm heart to melt into. 

the time we've been apart it's almost twice as the time we were together, isn't it crazy?

to think that we are different people than the ones that fell in love with each other. 

what would've been of us if we were still together?

i would never have the guts ask you this, 

do you still think of me? is it with warmth or nostalgia?

i hope when think of me, a smile creeps out of your lips. 

intrusive thoughts

is the coolness for me, 
after you take my shirt off
before my skin feels the warmth of yours,
that makes my heart stop. 

in desperation.

is the longing for me, 
for you hands to grip my waist
and direct me towards your bed. 
and the then belt falls off
and i feel the weight of your body against mine
the smell of your skin melted into droplets of sweat.

i want time to turn
into an endless night, a light snoring
and your chest moving under my cheek,
spent and drowsy.

30.

this birthday is going to hurt
worse than any others,
this birthday will be a rebirth, 
and there is always pain whilst welcoming a new life into the world.

you won't care

you won't show up.

you never showed up,

hid behind a screen while convincing yourself that doing the bare minimum 

was enough. 

I'm worth more than your best efforts. 

wish you well

what a selfish thing.. to fall out of love alone. 

last night was the last nail in the coffin

you were free and I was mourning,

I'm done suffering on my own. 

let's be strangers again. 

today i woke up missing us

i'm afraid of when i'll look at you straight in the face

I'll realize that this can't be fixed. 

i think that even if I don't look at you

I'm already aware of our fate.

came clean but never said sorry

do you read this together and laugh?

talk shit behind my back like I do about you?

or do you not care at all? 

kept selfishly living your life, like I pretended to do.

I've come to realize grief is not linear

and that's the scariest part,

that today I might find myself genuinely laughing,

but then a wave of sadness fills me the next day.

this is why I needed to step away

I didn't want to trick you into thinking everything was fine

and then stab you in the back with my words. 

like I know how to do too well.

i wanted to hurt you with my absence

but also protect you from me. 

the olive branch that I untimely extended, 

it dried out because I could never say the words

I'm sorry, 

I love you, 

I forgive you. 

non believer

I pray for the day that being myself

Doesnt bring me pain. 

and you'll feel it all your life

I won't spare you a single comma

Because you are not a player in this game.

No Peter Pan with savior complex.

Not even barely enough.

celestial death

And we will grow

Farther and farther away 

Until we are nothing but another star

In each other's galaxy.

Having already been an entire world.

Lowest rated show.

If there is no audience,

Does the actor deserve to live?

Who am I performing for? 

I scream into the mirror,

Cry like a lunatic while I watch the tears drip down.

The one-woman show without spectators.

as the days goes by
i become more and more at peace with my choices. 
to rebuild one must
burn everything to the ground.

 what if my love for you falters, 
then I really won't have anything left. 

troubleshooting

i need to know who i am without you.

so much of myself was defined by yourself, 

i was filtered through you.

did i live my life just to please you? i can't tell.

maybe if i were to reach my purest form,

it wouldn't hurt so much, 

it wouldn't matter so much. 

or maybe that's how i love, 

wholeheartedly.

and maybe that's how you love, 

just yourself.

don't delude your mind, 

all good deeds were reimbursed 

i wasn't your charity case, 

you recieved as much as you gave. 

i guess it wasn't a good trade for either one of us. 

star struck

How can I reconcile 

That the moment you made your choice,

You sealed our fate?

When did you think

I would be able to overcome this?

I'm not that great of a person.

How can I move on

When a supernova exploted 

Right on my face.

force of habit

Churning the best poetry I've every written

Feeling the most devastated i've ever felt.

Why is it that I'm only inspired when broken?

There's no way of remembering the happy times like this.

Have I had them?

hero's complex.

If i have to be honest

I felt relieved.

It felt so lonely being in your presence.

It always felt so lonely. 

I rather not save you next time around,

I'm tired of sinking myself for others. 

to killed or be killed

I invited sheep into the lion's den,

but they were just wolves in lamb's clothing

and they turned on me. 

it's a promise

 you should never let a wildfire run free
it could burn you inside out.
I will burn you inside out.

there is nothing left to lose.
expendable.

what if I keep it forever?

I know this familiar dread way too closely

It's starting to set in after a long while

I'm afraid it won't leave this time.

It doesn't have a reason not to. 

and i won't open the door either

I'm still saving your seat the the table,

how much longer will i play the fool?

You are not coming.

LIFE PLAN

a life without purpose

it's a relief 

and also a hindering thought

and medicated

 six years ago i stood in that crowd and couldn't feel a single thing
I was numb, broken and bare. 
last week I stood in the same crowd, in front of the same people, and was free.
free from the weight of my wounds albeit having been teared open
shouting at the top of my lungs, 
free.

unreliable narrator

 healing? maybe?
but scarred for life.
loneliness never scared me
until it wasn't a choice
(I made for myself)
(you made it)

I told my horrors and didnt share a single tear,

Progress

And

The

RPG

Was

Written

Off

Your

Code.

why did you do this to us.

i can't fix it.

i'm in the court and the ball is busted.

You chose this,

Over me.

Now it's my turn to choose myself,

Over you.

for once.

 independent to a fault

(of always feeling alone)

 no woman is an island

but i keep drowning trying to reach mainland

29

i'm proud of you, 

for getting on that plane, 

for not letting fear win, 

for having faith in you and climbing those stairs. 

for being open to everything life could offer you. 

it took longer than we thought, and

it might take all your life even.

if you'd only see all the potential in you. 

the year of living, 

the year for you, 

let's go.

i miss you. 

but I still can't help it. 

so I'm destined to miss you

for a bit longer. 

if you'd only come to reassure me,

maybe it'd be easier?

that's all I ever wanted.

your patience.

lately, 

more often than not, 

i wish i was someone else.

i hope people don't hate me, 

as much as I hate myself. 

self-love is a life-long trip, 

but I'm trapped in the turbulence. 

tired of dedicating poems to people that will never love me,

but i still can't help myself

(loving them).

(writing them).

sometimes i cry
for no reason
(for all reasons)
(for the dreams i gave up)
(for the ones i don't find the courage to)
(for the path i'm walking)
(for the people thay stayed by my side)
(and the ones i couldn't keep)
sometimes i cry
for no aparent reason.

the last hurricane,
the one that took the darkness away
also took everything else with it,
leaving me naked and bare.

i rebuilt everything from scratch,
carefully placing windows
where just before there were just walls.
now i get to see the sky.

out of breath
i've been running towards myself,
no away anymore,
not scared anymore.

the awful weight of becoming
is tearing me up at the seams

this bloody corpse
that's rotting inside out

those hateful scars
that haunt my body

those hateful thoughts
that haunt my mind

the awful weight of becoming
that's tearing me down

when we met

excitable like a little girl
she ran after me, asking a thousand questions.
i wish i could turn back time,
and keep her spirit like that

ever so curious about the world,
even while polluted,
she wouldn't let go of her idealist mind.

it caught me by surprise,
the downfall,
no word would escape my mouth,
another wish to turn back time.

"i didn't realise all the sadness
i held inside", she said
getting better was the only way,
that or not being anymore.

she tried to hide her tears
i tried to pretend no to see her.
she made it to me,
she made it here.

potions

i'm a magician
that turns time into infinite loops
of us drunk on words
until the dawn scares us away

the evil trickery
of my fingers
turns sleep into the sweetest vigil

see it for yourself,
turn the keys
and start the engine

jump the gun
let me shoot you
on the heart

not good at hiding (from you)

couldn't look him in the eyes
when i confessed how much i wanted to commit.
i'll be forever glad
of how he could see through me,
with an unspoken oath of forgiving love

time slipped away mercilessly
drunk in the essence of your presence
oh, how i wished to stop the dawn from coming
i'd stay in the midst of the darkest nights with you.

even in between covers,
hands couldn't be stopped
from reaching out to one another,
so much closeness that couldn't be covered

and in the morning
the good morning,
would be filled with the silent desire for more
with the invisible boundaries of time and space,
of time and place.

deja vu (i need to say this)

i was 26 when i woke up
you could say from a coma induced by fear
(of living)
or you could say i was actually 23,
but it took me 3 years to get het here

i wonder if i really learned something valuable
in the pit of this depression that took me years
to recover from (or learn how to deal)

i woke up at 26,
and my life felt the same as 21.
maybe that is a good thing to hear

because at 22 all i wanted was to die,
i guess then, time travelling was a good idea