troubleshooting

i need to know who i am without you.

so much of myself was defined by yourself, 

i was filtered through you.

did i live my life just to please you? i can't tell.

maybe if i were to reach my purest form,

it wouldn't hurt so much, 

it wouldn't matter so much. 

or maybe that's how i love, 

wholeheartedly.

and maybe that's how you love, 

just yourself.

don't delude your mind, 

all good deeds were reimbursed 

i wasn't your charity case, 

you recieved as much as you gave. 

i guess it wasn't a good trade for either one of us. 

star struck

How can I reconcile 

That the moment you made your choice,

You sealed our fate?

When did you think

I would be able to overcome this?

I'm not that great of a person.

How can I move on

When a supernova exploted 

Right on my face.

force of habit

Churning the best poetry I've every written

Feeling the most devastated i've ever felt.

Why is it that I'm only inspired when broken?

There's no way of remembering the happy times like this.

Have I had them?

hero's complex.

If i have to be honest

I felt relieved.

It felt so lonely being in your presence.

It always felt so lonely. 

I rather not save you next time around,

I'm tired of sinking myself for others. 

to killed or be killed

I invited sheep into the lion's den,

but they were just wolves in lamb's clothing

and they turned on me. 

it's a promise

 you should never let a wildfire run free
it could burn you inside out.
I will burn you inside out.

there is nothing left to lose.
expendable.

what if I keep it forever?

I know this familiar dread way too closely

It's starting to set in after a long while

I'm afraid it won't leave this time.

It doesn't have a reason not to. 

and i won't open the door either

I'm still saving your seat the the table,

how much longer will i play the fool?

You are not coming.

LIFE PLAN

a life without purpose

it's a relief 

and also a hindering thought

and medicated

 six years ago i stood in that crowd and couldn't feel a single thing
I was numb, broken and bare. 
last week I stood in the same crowd, in front of the same people, and was free.
free from the weight of my wounds albeit having been teared open
shouting at the top of my lungs, 
free.

unreliable narrator

 healing? maybe?
but scarred for life.
loneliness never scared me
until it wasn't a choice
(I made for myself)
(you made it)

I told my horrors and didnt share a single tear,

Progress

And

The

RPG

Was

Written

Off

Your

Code.

why did you do this to us.

i can't fix it.

i'm in the court and the ball is busted.

You chose this,

Over me.

Now it's my turn to choose myself,

Over you.

for once.

 independent to a fault

(of always feeling alone)

 no woman is an island

but i keep drowning trying to reach mainland

29

i'm proud of you, 

for getting on that plane, 

for not letting fear win, 

for having faith in you and climbing those stairs. 

for being open to everything life could offer you. 

it took longer than we thought, and

it might take all your life even.

if you'd only see all the potential in you. 

the year of living, 

the year for you, 

let's go.

i miss you. 

but I still can't help it. 

so I'm destined to miss you

for a bit longer. 

if you'd only come to reassure me,

maybe it'd be easier?

that's all I ever wanted.

your patience.

lately, 

more often than not, 

i wish i was someone else.

i hope people don't hate me, 

as much as I hate myself. 

self-love is a life-long trip, 

but I'm trapped in the turbulence. 

tired of dedicating poems to people that will never love me,

but i still can't help myself

(loving them).

(writing them).