when we met

excitable like a little girl
she ran after me, asking a thousand questions.
i wish i could turn back time,
and keep her spirit like that

ever so curious about the world,
even while polluted,
she wouldn't let go of her idealist mind.

it caught me by surprise,
the downfall,
no word would escape my mouth,
another wish to turn back time.

"i didn't realise all the sadness
i held inside", she said
getting better was the only way,
that or not being anymore.

she tried to hide her tears
i tried to pretend no to see her.
she made it to me,
she made it here.

potions

i'm a magician
that turns time into infinite loops
of us drunk on words
until the dawn scares us away

the evil trickery
of my fingers
turns sleep into the sweetest vigil

see it for yourself,
turn the keys
and start the engine

jump the gun
let me shoot you
on the heart

not good at hiding (from you)

couldn't look him in the eyes
when i confessed how much i wanted to commit.
i'll be forever glad
of how he could see through me,
with an unspoken oath of forgiving love

time slipped away mercilessly
drunk in the essence of your presence
oh, how i wished to stop the dawn from coming
i'd stay in the midst of the darkest nights with you.

even in between covers,
hands couldn't be stopped
from reaching out to one another,
so much closeness that couldn't be covered

and in the morning
the good morning,
would be filled with the silent desire for more
with the invisible boundaries of time and space,
of time and place.

deja vu (i need to say this)

i was 26 when i woke up
you could say from a coma induced by fear
(of living)
or you could say i was actually 23,
but it took me 3 years to get het here

i wonder if i really learned something valuable
in the pit of this depression that took me years
to recover from (or learn how to deal)

i woke up at 26,
and my life felt the same as 21.
maybe that is a good thing to hear

because at 22 all i wanted was to die,
i guess then, time travelling was a good idea

"yo nunca tuve mambos" dijo orgulloso,
como medalla de honor
por haber ganado una batalla
que nunca comenzó

quizás por diez dañados,
el universo crea un unicornio,
alguien que nunca tuvo que luchar
contra su propia mente
hay quienes nacen con esa suerte

"sane"

i'm so tired of myself
all the sadness
it's exhausting
making excuses for my behaviour
time and time again

"don't be to hard on yourself"
my therapist says on monday
coming friday she reminds me
that being too lenient it's my mistake

"do what you want, but not whatever you want"
i scream at the mirror
she never listens

pump the dosage up,
see if you can get excited about life again,
plan ahead all your success
just don't sit down to watch it happen
it never will

run, run, run
wait! stop! (that's the wrong way)
your supossed to go foward
no keep getting farther away

she will
definetly
never listen

renacimiento

perdón si te tiro abajo,
es que verte dueña de tí misma, me asusta.

durante mucho tiempo dejé
que la mirada ajena
determinara mi valor,
me da miedo ver que
no hayas sentido la misma presión
no hayas sucumbido ante la misma presión

porque entonces,
esto significa,
que en verdad
había otro camino.

que quererme,
era una opción,
que nunca elegí.

que pertenecer
era más importante,
que pertenecer-me

aún así,
no te confundas
me pone feliz
que te quieras
solo quiero
poder quererme
así

the arc (the flood is coming)

all these words
 have been stuck inside me
for so long,
 it's time to let them go

ending ment

"it's like your body,
was made for mine"
you said,
while your kisses filled my lips
and we weren't getting enough sleep

and i can't help my mind
drift away when you talk,
daydreaming about
what might be in store for us

my gaze wanders onto yours,
my gaze wonders onto yours.
in those silences filled with uncertainties,
i scrap my knees
falling for you

and maybe, just maybe,
if tonight we stay up late,
tomorrow won't have to come
and i won't have to say
goodbye
(goodbye)

birth (thank you)

one eye,

and the the other.

a couple of screams inbetween,

but breathing.

blood,

sweat

and tears

cemented you into existence.

don't ever say,

she never did

anything for you

you are here,

you are here,

you are here,

she did that.

(don't let all that work be undone)

the (de)feat

I'm amused
by the power of all the sadness
i held inside
for so long.

how did i let it become like that?
when did i stop believing,
that my body was a temple?

it was way too early,
when they told me
it had nothing valuable,
when i believed it.

sticks and stones,
sticks and stones,
they all broke me.

(i think i loved you once) the end is near

i've never wrote you any poems,
and maybe that should've been
the biggest red flag
that i souldn't have missed

i confused comfort
for happiness
for love
for you

no. i was happy
yes, i was
please don't get me wrong
(maybe do)

but somehow i always seem to expect,
things to end
before i enjoy them,
i'm always waiting
(for them to end)

maybe so i can finally write you
a love letter
a poem
saying thank you
and sorry

(i think i loved you once)

i peel myself from my bed,
not letting my grip go,
with a lil help from the meds,
i draw a smile on my face,
while my puffy eyes fade away

swallow pride and pain
try to start
all over
again

with a lil help from my friends,
i see the sun every now and then
and a little more often
i'm found with a sincere smile
on my face

what a miracle

with a lil help from myself,
i try no to flinch every time
my face shows itself on a mirror
i try to be kinder to the one i am,
without mourning the one i was
not expecting much of the one i'll be
(but expecting everything the world has to offer)
(if i try)
(if i fail)
(what would will become of me?)

never less than the right amount of rightfulness

is it okay to say,
you weren't enough for me?
am i allowed to feel that?

i loved you,
yet
you weren't enough
for me

i'm sorry
i doubt this changes
anything
but it's also okay

maybe i needed less
of this and that
and more
of this and that

it just never seemed
to be
the right amount
of this and that

and it's okay
(we'll keep searching)

please don't leave without me (all alone)

i pled for your sentences to be reduced,
prayed to every god within you,
until one heard me,
i had never tasted such sour joy

you ripped out the chains,
walked a stright line,
spat on the face of the devil
and lived to tell the tale

but i forgot no one fights for anyone else
like i fight for everybody else,
but me

and  again
i'm stuck,
blind for love
but not (love) for myself

it has always been like this

give it all to her,
while i'm still survivng in this never ending thirst.
drench her in water
while silent whispers escape my cracked lips

keep holding her hand
and kicking my head
into the ground

my lungs are filled with dirt,
the screams are getting louder
but her music has deafened you
go figure

i'm used to this,
feeling
the dread of this never ending,
drought

mom, is this love?

li(v)e

think of your mom,
how it would hurt her heart so bad
to have given life
and see it end before her eyes

think of your dad,
who gives the warmest hugs,
and how he'd wish they were enough

think of your friends,
the ones that listened closely
and the ones that didn't know how closely
they needed to listen

live for them,
until you can start
living for me you

do it again,
wake up tomorrow,
do it again,
for them
(for me you)

the universe (of love)

when does the moon start
and the sun end,
when you open your eyes?
i can't seem to tell

the freckles line up
like stars
across your back,
i'm lost in your night sky

my heart was eclipsed
by the love in your lips,
and my lungs collapsed
with the fresh air
within you hair

i'm broken
and healed
i'm in halves,
and complete
i'm mine
and yours
to have
(to have)

ashamed

it feels like i'm stuck in a fever dream

wishing, wishing

but never achieving

i dream with big castles

yet never lay down the foundation,

and it's like i'm drowning in wet concrete 

i'm scared

that someone else's success

means

that i won't achieve my own

i'm scared

of the simple life

and the slim possibility

that i'd be content with it

i'm scared

to not live up 

to myself

but, mostly, i'm scared

to amount to something,

anything,

and lose it all

i forgive you

was i selfish
or a coward?
i can't decide.

running for cover
whilst uncovering you
was my best
and worst
decision.

coming undone was your ritual,
you've learn all the good ways to destroy yourself
and were taking me along for the ride.
a hostage.

was i selfish for flying the scene?
was i saving myself?
or was i just a little boy,
running scared,
with my tail between my legs?

i can't decide

the trip i couldn't escape,
this road paved with guilt
still haunts me at night.

i wish i could've loved you better
         i wish you could love yourself better

i haven't

some people say
"you can't write about what you don't know",
i used to believe that

but i've created many lives
in many ways
about things
i did not experience 

i tell tales
of love
and destruction,
of relationships i never had
of lovers i never loved
of words that haven't been spoken

people tell me their stories
and in my mind
i can't help
to walk a thousand miles
in their shoes

i've started to believe,
that some feelings
are universal

can you idealize
pain
in attempt to understand it?

can you idealize 
love
in attempt to understand it?

or haven't i 
understood
anything?

how many times

did i hurt myself

             to hurt others?

how many more times

will i feel the need to

hurt myself

            to hurt others?

when will i
become my own
               remedy?