est. 22

 

.

not anymore.

courage

to be so at peace

with myself,

what novelty. 

i don't regret

changing my life around and

defying the prophecy

this time

i bet on myself, 

and i'm so thankful for it.

the beginning of

a new chapter

is exciting

is terrifying

is what i needed.

i rescue myself

things are happening

and i'll always wish you were by my side 

to witness them

i've become so strong since

you have no idea

having to rely on myself 

made me tougher,

my insides are not so soft anymore, 

i don't rescue people anymore. 

it's like being the last one to let go of their lover’s hand

but a hand is not a heart

and it doesn't leave a bloody soul behind

And i said, with tears in my eyes, "how can i choose you if i can't choose myself?". 

I don't desire to be loved like this.. i don't want to ruin another heart because i hate myself. 

I don't have that luxury. 

get

out

of

my

mind

please.

hyperaware-ism

I'm not really sure

That all of the bad shit

I tell myself (about me)

Is untrue. 

and if i stay on the edge of the sea, 
will my shadow drown in the waves?

show me the way

all talk and no game,
the unnerving cycle of not fulfilling my potential.

how does everybody live with the ghosts of

the dreams they couldn't achieve?

how are you all not consumed

by everything you're not? 

the final nail in the coffin

two three years of heartbreak is long enough. 

we have reached the point at which this is turning embarrassing. 

i'll finish us without you. 

farewell.

breakupersary

3 years.

When will it hurt less?

I keep a list of things i'd like to tell you,

I lived well.

This painful coming of age at 29.

(It'll forever be an open wound).

waterproof

I can't see the love I've received 

it might be because i'm not to be able to accept it

The thing i desire the most

It escapes me.

BHOM

I started wearing that necklace again.. the one that had the little harlequin on it. 
I told you i liked it because i loved to make people laugh., 
somehow it broke and i never got around fixing it, 
somewhow i broke and never got around to make people around me happy again. 

my spark dimmed, was it you? 
it made you uncomfortable, my light. 
it was so luring. you, black hole of a man. 

crumb(ling)

 i keep offering u tokens of my love
maybe one of them will convince you to have me again in your life.
still can`t promise you I wont keep pushing you off, 
its generations upon generations of trauma, 
and it all comes down to me. 

my love is a burden to the people around me

they do not wish to receive the love i crave to give

resources

maybe we reached the end of our cycle.
I'm weirdly proud of myself in the midst of all this. 
today I went through my camera roll and realized that
although i was slashed in half, open and bleeding
i kept ferociously holding onto life
maybe i was looking for that feeling of numbness that a crowd gives you. 
perhaps i was frantically looking for another gasp of air.
or i just grew up and got over myself.