30.

this birthday is going to hurt
worse than any others,
this birthday will be a rebirth, 
and there is always pain whilst welcoming a new life into the world.

you won't care

you won't show up.

you never showed up,

hid behind a screen while convincing yourself that doing the bare minimum 

was enough. 

I'm worth more than your best efforts. 

wish you well

what a selfish thing.. to fall out of love alone. 

last night was the last nail in the coffin

you were free and I was mourning,

I'm done suffering on my own. 

let's be strangers again. 

today i woke up missing us

i'm afraid if i look at you straight on the face

I'll realize that this can't be fixed. 

i think that even if I don't look at you

I'm already aware of our fate.

came clean but never said sorry

do you read this together and laugh?

talk shit behind my back like I do about you?

or do you not care at all? 

kept selfishly living your life, like I pretended to do.

I've come to realize grief is not linear

and that's the scariest part,

that today I might find myself genuinely laughing,

but then a wave of sadness fills me the next day.

this is why I needed to step away

I didn't want to trick you into thinking everything was fine

and then stab you in the back with my words. 

like I know how to do too well.

i wanted to hurt you with my absence

but also protect you from me. 

the olive branch that I untimely extended, 

it dried out because I could never say the words

I'm sorry, 

I love you, 

I forgive you. 

non believer

I pray for the day that being myself

Doesnt bring me pain. 

and you'll feel it all your life

I won't spare you a single comma

Because you are not a player in this game.

No Peter Pan with savior complex.

Not even barely enough.

celestial death

And we will grow

Farther and farther away 

Until we are nothing but another star

In each other's galaxy.

Having already been an entire world.

Lowest rated show.

If there is no audience,

Does the actor deserve to live?

Who am I performing for? 

I scream into the mirror,

Cry like a lunatic while I watch the tears drip down.

The one-woman show without spectators.

as the days goes by
i become more and more at peace with my choices. 
to rebuild one must
burn everything to the ground.

 what if my love for you falters, 
then I really won't have anything left. 

troubleshooting

i need to know who i am without you.

so much of myself was defined by yourself, 

i was filtered through you.

did i live my life just to please you? i can't tell.

maybe if i were to reach my purest form,

it wouldn't hurt so much, 

it wouldn't matter so much. 

or maybe that's how i love, 

wholeheartedly.

and maybe that's how you love, 

just yourself.

don't delude your mind, 

all good deeds were reimbursed 

i wasn't your charity case, 

you recieved as much as you gave. 

i guess it wasn't a good trade for either one of us. 

star struck

How can I reconcile 

That the moment you made your choice,

You sealed our fate?

When did you think

I would be able to overcome this?

I'm not that great of a person.

How can I move on

When a supernova exploted 

Right on my face.

force of habit

Churning the best poetry I've every written

Feeling the most devastated i've ever felt.

Why is it that I'm only inspired when broken?

There's no way of remembering the happy times like this.

Have I had them?

hero's complex.

If i have to be honest

I felt relieved.

It felt so lonely being in your presence.

It always felt so lonely. 

I rather not save you next time around,

I'm tired of sinking myself for others. 

to kill or be killed

I invited sheep into the lion's den,

but they were just wolves in lamb's clothing

and they turned on me. 

it's a promise

 you should never let a wildfire run free
it could burn you inside out.
I will burn you inside out.

there is nothing left to lose.
expendable.

what if I keep it forever?

I know this familiar dread way too closely

It's starting to set in after a long while

I'm afraid it won't leave this time.

It doesn't have a reason not to. 

and i won't open the door either

I'm still saving your seat at the table,

how much longer will i play the fool?

You are not coming.

LIFE PLAN

a life without purpose

it's a relief 

and also a hindering thought

and medicated

 six years ago i stood in that crowd and couldn't feel a single thing
I was numb, broken and bare. 
last week I stood in the same crowd, in front of the same people, and was free.
free from the weight of my wounds albeit having been teared open
shouting at the top of my lungs, 
free.

unreliable narrator

 healing? maybe?
but scarred for life.
loneliness never scared me
until it wasn't a choice
(I made for myself)
(you made it)

I told my horrors and didnt share a single tear,

Progress

And

The

RPG

Was

Written

Off

Your

Code.

why did you do this to us.

i can't fix it.

i'm in the court and the ball is busted.

You chose this,

Over me.

Now it's my turn to choose myself,

Over you.

for once.

 independent to a fault

(of always feeling alone)

 no woman is an island

but i keep drowning trying to reach mainland

29

i'm proud of you, 

for getting on that plane, 

for not letting fear win, 

for having faith in you and climbing those stairs. 

for being open to everything life could offer you. 

it took longer than we thought, and

it might take all your life even.

if you'd only see all the potential in you. 

the year of living, 

the year for you, 

let's go.

i miss you. 

but I still can't help it. 

so I'm destined to miss you

for a bit longer. 

if you'd only come to reassure me,

maybe it'd be easier?

that's all I ever wanted.

your patience.

lately, 

more often than not, 

i wish i was someone else.

i hope people don't hate me, 

as much as I hate myself. 

self-love is a life-long trip, 

but I'm trapped in the turbulence. 

tired of dedicating poems to people that will never love me,

but i still can't help myself

(loving them).

(writing them).

sometimes i cry
for no reason
(for all reasons)
(for the dreams i gave up)
(for the ones i don't find the courage to)
(for the path i'm walking)
(for the people thay stayed by my side)
(and the ones i couldn't keep)
sometimes i cry
for no aparent reason.

the last hurricane,
the one that took the darkness away
also took everything else with it,
leaving me naked and bare.

i rebuilt everything from scratch,
carefully placing windows
where just before there were just walls.
now i get to see the sky.

out of breath
i've been running towards myself,
no away anymore,
not scared anymore.

the awful weight of becoming
is tearing me up at the seams

this bloody corpse
that's rotting inside out

those hateful scars
that haunt my body

those hateful thoughts
that haunt my mind

the awful weight of becoming
that's tearing me down

when we met

excitable like a little girl
she ran after me, asking a thousand questions.
i wish i could turn back time,
and keep her spirit like that

ever so curious about the world,
even while polluted,
she wouldn't let go of her idealist mind.

it caught me by surprise,
the downfall,
no word would escape my mouth,
another wish to turn back time.

"i didn't realise all the sadness
i held inside", she said
getting better was the only way,
that or not being anymore.

she tried to hide her tears
i tried to pretend no to see her.
she made it to me,
she made it here.

potions

i'm a magician
that turns time into infinite loops
of us drunk on words
until the dawn scares us away

the evil trickery
of my fingers
turns sleep into the sweetest vigil

see it for yourself,
turn the keys
and start the engine

jump the gun
let me shoot you
on the heart

not good at hiding (from you)

couldn't look him in the eyes
when i confessed how much i wanted to commit.
i'll be forever glad
of how he could see through me,
with an unspoken oath of forgiving love

time slipped away mercilessly
drunk in the essence of your presence
oh, how i wished to stop the dawn from coming
i'd stay in the midst of the darkest nights with you.

even in between covers,
hands couldn't be stopped
from reaching out to one another,
so much closeness that couldn't be covered

and in the morning
the good morning,
would be filled with the silent desire for more
with the invisible boundaries of time and space,
of time and place.

deja vu (i need to say this)

i was 26 when i woke up
you could say from a coma induced by fear
(of living)
or you could say i was actually 23,
but it took me 3 years to get het here

i wonder if i really learned something valuable
in the pit of this depression that took me years
to recover from (or learn how to deal)

i woke up at 26,
and my life felt the same as 21.
maybe that is a good thing to hear

because at 22 all i wanted was to die,
i guess then, time travelling was a good idea

"yo nunca tuve mambos" dijo orgulloso,
como medalla de honor
por haber ganado una batalla
que nunca comenzó

quizás por diez dañados,
el universo crea un unicornio,
alguien que nunca tuvo que luchar
contra su propia mente
hay quienes nacen con esa suerte

"sane"

i'm so tired of myself
all the sadness
it's exhausting
making excuses for my behaviour
time and time again

"don't be to hard on yourself"
my therapist says on monday
coming friday she reminds me
that being too lenient it's my mistake

"do what you want, but not whatever you want"
i scream at the mirror
she never listens

pump the dosage up,
see if you can get excited about life again,
plan ahead all your success
just don't sit down to watch it happen
it never will

run, run, run
wait! stop! (that's the wrong way)
your supossed to go foward
no keep getting farther away

she will
definetly
never listen

renacimiento

perdón si te tiro abajo,
es que verte dueña de tí misma, me asusta.

durante mucho tiempo dejé
que la mirada ajena
determinara mi valor,
me da miedo ver que
no hayas sentido la misma presión
no hayas sucumbido ante la misma presión

porque entonces,
esto significa,
que en verdad
había otro camino.

que quererme,
era una opción,
que nunca elegí.

que pertenecer
era más importante,
que pertenecer-me

aún así,
no te confundas
me pone feliz
que te quieras
solo quiero
poder quererme
así

the arc (the flood is coming)

all these words
 have been stuck inside me
for so long,
 it's time to let them go

ending ment

"it's like your body,
was made for mine"
you said,
while your kisses filled my lips
and we weren't getting enough sleep

and i can't help my mind
drift away when you talk,
daydreaming about
what might be in store for us

my gaze wanders onto yours,
my gaze wonders onto yours.
in those silences filled with uncertainties,
i scrap my knees
falling for you

and maybe, just maybe,
if tonight we stay up late,
tomorrow won't have to come
and i won't have to say
goodbye
(goodbye)

birth (thank you)

one eye,

and the the other.

a couple of screams inbetween,

but breathing.

blood,

sweat

and tears

cemented you into existence.

don't ever say,

she never did

anything for you

you are here,

you are here,

you are here,

she did that.

(don't let all that work be undone)

the (de)feat

I'm amused
by the power of all the sadness
i held inside
for so long.

how did i let it become like that?
when did i stop believing,
that my body was a temple?

it was way too early,
when they told me
it had nothing valuable,
when i believed it.

sticks and stones,
sticks and stones,
they all broke me.

(i think i loved you once) the end is near

i've never wrote you any poems,
and maybe that should've been
the biggest red flag
that i souldn't have missed

i confused comfort
for happiness
for love
for you

no. i was happy
yes, i was
please don't get me wrong
(maybe do)

but somehow i always seem to expect,
things to end
before i enjoy them,
i'm always waiting
(for them to end)

maybe so i can finally write you
a love letter
a poem
saying thank you
and sorry

(i think i loved you once)

i peel myself from my bed,
not letting my grip go,
with a lil help from the meds,
i draw a smile on my face,
while my puffy eyes fade away

swallow pride and pain
try to start
all over
again

with a lil help from my friends,
i see the sun every now and then
and a little more often
i'm found with a sincere smile
on my face

what a miracle

with a lil help from myself,
i try no to flinch every time
my face shows itself on a mirror
i try to be kinder to the one i am,
without mourning the one i was
not expecting much of the one i'll be
(but expecting everything the world has to offer)
(if i try)
(if i fail)
(what would will become of me?)

never less than the right amount of rightfulness

is it okay to say,
you weren't enough for me?
am i allowed to feel that?

i loved you,
yet
you weren't enough
for me

i'm sorry
i doubt this changes
anything
but it's also okay

maybe i needed less
of this and that
and more
of this and that

it just never seemed
to be
the right amount
of this and that

and it's okay
(we'll keep searching)

please don't leave without me (all alone)

i pled for your sentences to be reduced,
prayed to every god within you,
until one heard me,
i had never tasted such sour joy

you ripped out the chains,
walked a stright line,
spat on the face of the devil
and lived to tell the tale

but i forgot no one fights for anyone else
like i fight for everybody else,
but me

and  again
i'm stuck,
blind for love
but not (love) for myself

it has always been like this

give it all to her,
while i'm still survivng in this never ending thirst.
drench her in water
while silent whispers escape my cracked lips

keep holding her hand
and kicking my head
into the ground

my lungs are filled with dirt,
the screams are getting louder
but her music has deafened you
go figure

i'm used to this,
feeling
the dread of this never ending,
drought

mom, is this love?