independent to a fault

(of always feeling alone)

 no woman is an island

but i keep drowning trying to reach mainland

29

i'm proud of you, 

for getting on that plane, 

for not letting fear win, 

for having faith in you and climbing those stairs. 

for being open to everything life could offer you. 

it took longer than we thought, and

it might take all your life even.

if you'd only see all the potential in you. 

the year of living, 

the year for you, 

let's go.

i miss you. 

but I still can't help it. 

so I'm destined to miss you

for a bit longer. 

if you'd only come to reassure me,

maybe it'd be easier?

that's all I ever wanted.

your patience.

lately, 

more often than not, 

i wish i was someone else.

i hope people don't hate me, 

as much as I hate myself. 

self-love is a life-long trip, 

but I'm trapped in the turbulence. 

tired of dedicating poems to people that will never love me,

but i still can't help myself

(loving them).

(writing them).

sometimes i cry
for no reason
(for all reasons)
(for the dreams i gave up)
(for the ones i don't find the courage to)
(for the path i'm walking)
(for the people thay stayed by my side)
(and the ones i couldn't keep)
sometimes i cry
for no aparent reason.

the last hurricane,
the one that took the darkness away
also took everything else with it,
leaving me naked and bare.

i rebuilt everything from scratch,
carefully placing windows
where just before there were just walls.
now i get to see the sky.

out of breath
i've been running towards myself,
no away anymore,
not scared anymore.

the awful weight of becoming
is tearing me up at the seams

this bloody corpse
that's rotting inside out

those hateful scars
that haunt my body

those hateful thoughts
that haunt my mind

the awful weight of becoming
that's tearing me down

when we met

excitable like a little girl
she ran after me, asking a thousand questions.
i wish i could turn back time,
and keep her spirit like that

ever so curious about the world,
even while polluted,
she wouldn't let go of her idealist mind.

it caught me by surprise,
the downfall,
no word would escape my mouth,
another wish to turn back time.

"i didn't realise all the sadness
i held inside", she said
getting better was the only way,
that or not being anymore.

she tried to hide her tears
i tried to pretend no to see her.
she made it to me,
she made it here.

potions

i'm a magician
that turns time into infinite loops
of us drunk on words
until the dawn scares us away

the evil trickery
of my fingers
turns sleep into the sweetest vigil

see it for yourself,
turn the keys
and start the engine

jump the gun
let me shoot you
on the heart

not good at hiding (from you)

couldn't look him in the eyes
when i confessed how much i wanted to commit.
i'll be forever glad
of how he could see through me,
with an unspoken oath of forgiving love

time slipped away mercilessly
drunk in the essence of your presence
oh, how i wished to stop the dawn from coming
i'd stay in the midst of the darkest nights with you.

even in between covers,
hands couldn't be stopped
from reaching out to one another,
so much closeness that couldn't be covered

and in the morning
the good morning,
would be filled with the silent desire for more
with the invisible boundaries of time and space,
of time and place.

deja vu (i need to say this)

i was 26 when i woke up
you could say from a coma induced by fear
(of living)
or you could say i was actually 23,
but it took me 3 years to get het here

i wonder if i really learned something valuable
in the pit of this depression that took me years
to recover from (or learn how to deal)

i woke up at 26,
and my life felt the same as 21.
maybe that is a good thing to hear

because at 22 all i wanted was to die,
i guess then, time travelling was a good idea

"yo nunca tuve mambos" dijo orgulloso,
como medalla de honor
por haber ganado una batalla
que nunca comenzó

quizás por diez dañados,
el universo crea un unicornio,
alguien que nunca tuvo que luchar
contra su propia mente
hay quienes nacen con esa suerte

"sane"

i'm so tired of myself
all the sadness
it's exhausting
making excuses for my behaviour
time and time again

"don't be to hard on yourself"
my therapist says on monday
coming friday she reminds me
that being too lenient it's my mistake

"do what you want, but not whatever you want"
i scream at the mirror
she never listens

pump the dosage up,
see if you can get excited about life again,
plan ahead all your success
just don't sit down to watch it happen
it never will

run, run, run
wait! stop! (that's the wrong way)
your supossed to go foward
no keep getting farther away

she will
definetly
never listen

renacimiento

perdón si te tiro abajo,
es que verte dueña de tí misma, me asusta.

durante mucho tiempo dejé
que la mirada ajena
determinara mi valor,
me da miedo ver que
no hayas sentido la misma presión
no hayas sucumbido ante la misma presión

porque entonces,
esto significa,
que en verdad
había otro camino.

que quererme,
era una opción,
que nunca elegí.

que pertenecer
era más importante,
que pertenecer-me

aún así,
no te confundas
me pone feliz
que te quieras
solo quiero
poder quererme
así

the arc (the flood is coming)

all these words
 have been stuck inside me
for so long,
 it's time to let them go

ending ment

"it's like your body,
was made for mine"
you said,
while your kisses filled my lips
and we weren't getting enough sleep

and i can't help my mind
drift away when you talk,
daydreaming about
what might be in store for us

my gaze wanders onto yours,
my gaze wonders onto yours.
in those silences filled with uncertainties,
i scrap my knees
falling for you

and maybe, just maybe,
if tonight we stay up late,
tomorrow won't have to come
and i won't have to say
goodbye
(goodbye)

birth (thank you)

one eye,

and the the other.

a couple of screams inbetween,

but breathing.

blood,

sweat

and tears

cemented you into existence.

don't ever say,

she never did

anything for you

you are here,

you are here,

you are here,

she did that.

(don't let all that work be undone)

the (de)feat

I'm amused
by the power of all the sadness
i held inside
for so long.

how did i let it become like that?
when did i stop believing,
that my body was a temple?

it was way too early,
when they told me
it had nothing valuable,
when i believed it.

sticks and stones,
sticks and stones,
they all broke me.

(i think i loved you once) the end is near

i've never wrote you any poems,
and maybe that should've been
the biggest red flag
that i souldn't have missed

i confused comfort
for happiness
for love
for you

no. i was happy
yes, i was
please don't get me wrong
(maybe do)

but somehow i always seem to expect,
things to end
before i enjoy them,
i'm always waiting
(for them to end)

maybe so i can finally write you
a love letter
a poem
saying thank you
and sorry

(i think i loved you once)

i peel myself from my bed,
not letting my grip go,
with a lil help from the meds,
i draw a smile on my face,
while my puffy eyes fade away

swallow pride and pain
try to start
all over
again

with a lil help from my friends,
i see the sun every now and then
and a little more often
i'm found with a sincere smile
on my face

what a miracle

with a lil help from myself,
i try no to flinch every time
my face shows itself on a mirror
i try to be kinder to the one i am,
without mourning the one i was
not expecting much of the one i'll be
(but expecting everything the world has to offer)
(if i try)
(if i fail)
(what would will become of me?)

never less than the right amount of rightfulness

is it okay to say,
you weren't enough for me?
am i allowed to feel that?

i loved you,
yet
you weren't enough
for me

i'm sorry
i doubt this changes
anything
but it's also okay

maybe i needed less
of this and that
and more
of this and that

it just never seemed
to be
the right amount
of this and that

and it's okay
(we'll keep searching)

please don't leave without me (all alone)

i pled for your sentences to be reduced,
prayed to every god within you,
until one heard me,
i had never tasted such sour joy

you ripped out the chains,
walked a stright line,
spat on the face of the devil
and lived to tell the tale

but i forgot no one fights for anyone else
like i fight for everybody else,
but me

and  again
i'm stuck,
blind for love
but not (love) for myself

it has always been like this

give it all to her,
while i'm still survivng in this never ending thirst.
drench her in water
while silent whispers escape my cracked lips

keep holding her hand
and kicking my head
into the ground

my lungs are filled with dirt,
the screams are getting louder
but her music has deafened you
go figure

i'm used to this,
feeling
the dread of this never ending,
drought

mom, is this love?

li(v)e

think of your mom,
how it would hurt her heart so bad
to have given life
and see it end before her eyes

think of your dad,
who gives the warmest hugs,
and how he'd wish they were enough

think of your friends,
the ones that listened closely
and the ones that didn't know how closely
they needed to listen

live for them,
until you can start
living for me you

do it again,
wake up tomorrow,
do it again,
for them
(for me you)

the universe (of love)

when does the moon start
and the sun end,
when you open your eyes?
i can't seem to tell

the freckles line up
like stars
across your back,
i'm lost in your night sky

my heart was eclipsed
by the love in your lips,
and my lungs collapsed
with the fresh air
within you hair

i'm broken
and healed
i'm in halves,
and complete
i'm mine
and yours
to have
(to have)

ashamed

it feels like i'm stuck in a fever dream

wishing, wishing

but never achieving

i dream with big castles

yet never lay down the foundation,

and it's like i'm drowning in wet concrete 

i'm scared

that someone else's success

means

that i won't achieve my own

i'm scared

of the simple life

and the slim possibility

that i'd be content with it

i'm scared

to not live up 

to myself

but, mostly, i'm scared

to amount to something,

anything,

and lose it all

i forgive you

was i selfish
or a coward?
i can't decide.

running for cover
whilst uncovering you
was my best
and worst
decision.

coming undone was your ritual,
you've learn all the good ways to destroy yourself
and were taking me along for the ride.
a hostage.

was i selfish for flying the scene?
was i saving myself?
or was i just a little boy,
running scared,
with my tail between my legs?

i can't decide

the trip i couldn't escape,
this road paved with guilt
still haunts me at night.

i wish i could've loved you better
         i wish you could love yourself better

i haven't

some people say
"you can't write about what you don't know",
i used to believe that

but i've created many lives
in many ways
about things
i did not experience 

i tell tales
of love
and destruction,
of relationships i never had
of lovers i never loved
of words that haven't been spoken

people tell me their stories
and in my mind
i can't help
to walk a thousand miles
in their shoes

i've started to believe,
that some feelings
are universal

can you idealize
pain
in attempt to understand it?

can you idealize 
love
in attempt to understand it?

or haven't i 
understood
anything?

how many times

did i hurt myself

             to hurt others?

how many more times

will i feel the need to

hurt myself

            to hurt others?

when will i
become my own
               remedy?

no one can (love me back)

i used to write poems to myself
like they were written from you

you were never able to love me,
the way i loved you

so i stopped writing,
to not make your love feel less
than what i deserved

i should've run

locked in with the keys in my pocket

You are a lacking human,
and so am I.
Our brains
were wired differently.

I'd still like to be strong,
just for you. Just for us,
the broken ones.

I could be in pieces
and yet all of them
would be trying to
hold you together.

Let me kiss your tears goodbye,
I'll lock myself inside your mind
and hug you back to sanity again.

Although I know it's not possible,
I'll try 'till my last breath.

Baby, don't worry about me,
I don't mind
(losing my mind)
(for you).

but i'm not out of the woods

this is to the evil need
for an ending
to all the hurt,

this is to all the ways i was thinking
of letting go

this is to the tears,
that drowned me

i made it

this is to the hands that held my head together,
when i couldn't get a hold of myself

this to the friends that stayed
when even i wanted to leave

this is to the ears that listened,
once a week, for an hour,
once a month, for a new prescription

thank you

words

maybe you took them away,
maybe i gave so much that there was nothing left,
not even for myself

i starved my soul,
to feed you greedy neediness
which i mistook for love

i adjusted my light,
so it wouldn't blind you,
maybe i should
(have blinded you)
maybe it would have saved me
(having blinded you)

now i'm learning to see
(myself)

looking for ways to empty myself

i used to be full of words,
couldn't wait to get them out of my head,
they poured out of my fingers,

until i swallowed them whole,
never letting them go,
burning inside,
burning me alive

until i combusted,
and couldn't hear myself anymore
until i ate them all,
leaving no room for
desire

i'm far from healed

but i'm on my way

to save myself

Rip my heart out, 

eat my heart out.

Swallow it whole, 

C'mon, give it a little room

inside your chest, 

next to yours. 

I can't hold it anymore, 

It's not mine anymore.

i slowly breathe in,

the scent of your chest,

silently hoping for another day.

'cos there it was

your unconscious beauty,

lying on a strangers bed,
between my arms.

Who could think of such glory.

A while ago,

in another universe,

tears bursted in the shower.

and in a fever dream,

I started feeling again.

for me,

it has always been you.

What a pity.

sorrows of good times

How could I forget, when we were young and believed ourselves broken
Whilst being whole and glorious,
living simple lives with superficial pain.  
So lost, we thought found.

How could I forget, when we were young and believed ourselves broken,
And to think how now 
that we are broken, 
we want to believe so bad we are okay.

                                                                                          

The sky was falling, 

And I was falling with it.

It was falling, 

And I was falling for you. 

And while you drowned,

I was starting to breathe.

Starting to breathe you in.

But,

There were not enough ropes

To keep you afloat,

Or save me
 from the free fall. 

Guess we were both destined to die,

The thing was, I was doing it for you.

From the depths.

As far as
my eye could see,
There was only
darkness.

Filling my lungs,
nesting in my chest.
Tying my limbs
to my bed.

Only darkness,
swallowing me whole.
Only darkness.

Ending it all,
never seemed so easy.
The reasons keep on pouring,
filling my cup to the brim.
And I'm wasted on them,
intoxicated for death.

I am strong no more,
I am whole no more.
Every tear is tearing me
apart.

5AM.

And when the night comes crashing down,

I have to pray

to be able

to get up again.

And fight for air, 

With each breath.

Because my brain,

Is overheating.

And the point,
of all this living
Is getting blurry.

Please tell me,

How do you do

To die a little death

Every night

But beg for the chance of life

Every morning?

Tu silencios,

me dejan sorda.

Lo suficiente

como para no escuchar,

las palabras que lanzás

como dagas.

Lo suficiente como para

volver a coser 

todas mis heridas.

Pero a nuvo round, 

nuevo golpe. 

No hay respiro

entre puño y puño.

No existe momento, 

para recuperar el aliento. 

Urge me to live,
after I killed all the light in me
(all the life in me).

Urge me to live,
before my undereyes
match the night sky.

teach me how
to scream 
all this rage
away.

Urge me to breathe,
and to smile,
and even to cry.

Urge me to feel life, 
after I numbed myself
into oblivion.

am I truly alone 

or are you waiting for me, 

as I am waiting for you.

are you dreaming of everything 

and expecting nothing 

form the world,

like 

me?

are you putting on a brave face, 

while your insides burn like a forestfire, 

like 

me?

are you searching for the meaning

of your heart beating, 

and your own breathing.

like

me?

are you drowning at night, 

just to breathe fresh air in the mornings, 

like 

me?

or are you thriving? excited for what it is to come.

deluding yourself 

into believing that you actually matter

in the scheme of things

unlike 

me.

remission

I need to lick my wounds,
cut my stitches,
Rest and be full again.

I need to comb my hair,
wash my face.
Nurse myself to sanity again.

So let me rejoice in my misery,
Nurture my sadness away.
It will be painful to watch,
but it will jump-start me again.

The floor is trembling

and so are you.

Your structure is breaking,

leaving rubble everywhere.

Yet when you look into a mirror, 

you look just the same.

In the scheme of things, 

everybody is moving foward, 

yet you seem stuck on the same place.

But baby,

do not ever forget:

the moon is always the same,

and so are you.

Be brave. 

How many things that you love,

are gonna transform into things

that destroy you?

How many things that you are,

are gonna be the ones that

you end up hating.

How many new excuses are you gonna find,

to despise yourself?

to hurt youself?

to kill the joy within you?